WWJD?

Just so we're clear: Jens Voigt is a god. Getting caught by Contador and Schleck on the final climb today, and then pulling them up until his legs turned to stone? Incredible--the guy's not even a climber. Did you see the look on his face?

What he is, though, is a freak of nature, powered by courage and heart.

A few years ago someone prepared a Chuck Norris-style tribute to Jens. I gratefully reprint some of it here:

• Jens Voigt doesn’t read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.
• If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up kickball, Fred.”
• Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.
• Jack was nimble, Jack was quick… and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.
• If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.
• Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.
• Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the team car and claiming a stomach ailment.
• When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks.
• The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt’s wheel, but cracked.
• Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.
• Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.
• Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.
• Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn’t try to drop himself.
• Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.